he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
