Betty ford says i'm here all night
Reggie can tackle my bush.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
