a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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