im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
