i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
