I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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