I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
