Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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