Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Never joke about your clitoris.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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