and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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