i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i will never coherently bang her
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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