Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
