i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
