What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
