So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
