Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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