you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
