mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
