A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
