this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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