my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
