i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
