Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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