You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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