I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
