I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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