I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
