exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She needs sedatives and a leash
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
