I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
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the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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