I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
