I cockslap morals
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
