Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
