Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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