Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
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so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
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I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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