my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
