I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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