whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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