Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
