you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
