this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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