Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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