my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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