No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
