my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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