I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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