the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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