Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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