Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I think my moral compass just broke
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
