i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
