he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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