My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
