it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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