So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
