Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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