i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
